Thursday, January 21, 2010

Intensity beyond belief!

When I got home from my “bonus” rendezvous with Todd I had to finish up repairing the sprinkler I had been working on earlier in the day. I went about my task quickly and was actually quite pleased with my work when I was done. Since Chad had “given up his day” to go see his grandmother I figured I could do some of the things that he normally does. Chad does not like it when I do the laundry but I made the decision to do it anyway because I knew that was one of the things he had wanted to get done. As I was buzzing around that evening I noticed that my cell phone was blinking. I was pleasantly surprised to see a text message from Todd asking me to call him if I could. He was alone and wanted to talk to me. I wasn’t sure how to take that so I was a little nervous to call him. Plus – he had sent the message 45 minutes earlier so I was unsure if he could still talk. I took a risk and called. Todd picked up immediately. I knew right away that he was in a good place emotionally. “Heyyy!” He said; sounding as if he was smiling from ear to ear. I knew that he was. One of Todd’s jobs for his community 4th of July celebration is to prepare and clean the oysters that were to be barbequed and sold at the event. His helped had backed out so he had to manage the task alone – which he was happy to do now that he got to talk to me. Todd and I talked on the phone for more than an hour that evening. We talked about how amazingly lucky we both felt to have found one another and he thanked me, again and again, for not letting him go. Of course his usual, “I just can’t believe this” statement entered our conversation many times. By now, I had figured out that the translation of that statement was that he couldn’t believe how much he loved me. Naturally, the statement made me feel like I was on a cloud. As we were saying our goodbyes that evening Todd said, “Gosh I love you Jason. I really do.” To which I replied, “I know. I love you too. God help me but I do!”

The following day was the 4th. Chad and I didn’t have any plans; which is rare for us on the 4th. I did some chores in the yard and Chad kept busy buzzing around tending to his “list” of to-dos. When I checked my cell phone Todd had left me a message early in the morning. He was calling to tell me that he’d slept well and felt good. He thanked me for the time we’d spent together and told me that he loved me. He wasn’t sure if he’d have time to call me or not that evening or the next day but said he would definitely call me on Monday.

I was just about to start mowing the lawn when I made a snap decision to put it off until the following day. All I wanted to do was float in the pool and listen to music. That is exactly how I spent the rest of that day. I plugged my iPod so I could listen to some of the music that Todd had given me. There were two songs in particular that he said made him think of me. Whenever they came on it made me smile. With my music blaring, I floated around the pool day dreaming of how wonderful I thought Todd was and hoping that he was still doing as well as he had been when he’d left his early morning message for me. Chad decided not to join me but instead went to the gym as I was getting out of the pool. I was in a very good mood that afternoon and had enjoyed my time in the pool.

Shortly after Chad got home from the gym he left again to head to the grocery store. Just as I was starting to feel the pains of missing Todd my cell phone rang. It was Todd. He sounded happy and VERY relaxed. Actually he sounded a little drunk – which was okay because I had had several drinks while I was floating in the pool. He said he wanted to hear my voice and wanted me to know that he was still doing very well. He’d had a great day with family and friends and drank a little more than he had wanted. “I feel like I’m on a cloud Jason!” He said. “Being with you and thinking about you makes me feel so good!?” I was pretty sure that his euphoria was partially alcohol induced but that was fine. Hearing the joy in his voice made me happy. We continued our conversation for about 20 more minutes as he watered his vegetable garden. He told me that he loved me just before we ended our call and I returned the sentiment.

The next day I got out of bed to find another message from Todd on my cell phone. He sounded a little tired but was calling to let me know that he was still felling good emotionally, he missed me, and he was still on a cloud. He told me he loved me and that he’d talk to me the next day. Todd’s message made me happy and as I sat and drank my Sunday morning coffee I was thinking about him. I was filled with happiness at the joy he had brought into my life. When I was done with my coffee I decided to mow the lawn. Chad was headed to the gym again as I started mowing and by the time he’d returned I was done and asked him if wanted to float around the pool with me; this is one of our favorite things to do in the summer. We love to float and drink margaritas while listening to music and holding on to one another’s air mattress. I plugged in my iPod again and Chad and I spent the afternoon in the pool. It was different this time. I felt it and I sensed that Chad did too. “Are you happy?” I asked him. Chad has a way of making me feel like a complete idiot with one glance and his response to my question was one of those times. “Yes.” He said while looking at me like I was nuts. I wanted to go further and tell him that I feel like we are living separate lives. I wanted to talk to him about what felt like the death of anything resembling a sexual relationship. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that I was scared. Instead I lifted my hand from holding on to his air mattress and allowed myself to drift away.

Chad has never understood that how he treats me and how he speaks to me has a direct impact on my desire to be make love to him. He can be very harsh and extremely insensitive. If something does not make sense to him then he does a very good job of making it clear (without actually saying the words) that he thinks it’s stupid. When we were first married I tried over and over to get him to do the little things that mattered to me. Things like taking a half of a second to give me a kiss and ask me how my day was when he gets home from work - or leaning over and giving me a kiss good night if he comes to bed after me - were the kinds of things that made a huge difference for me. At first he did try with some sincerely. Sadly, as the years have passed, everything about the way that he does these little things communicate that they are nothing more than a chore for him. I have come to realize that there is no emotion behind it for him. He does them because he feels that he has to and that makes it all the more painful for me. I do love Chad. He is a good man. Still - I was quickly realizing that his obsession with what I see as the ‘little’ or less important things in life are beginning to take a toll on our relationship. Nothing would make me happier than to be able to pull him back to me again but I am not sure that I have the energy or, frankly, the desire to continue down this road. At his core, Chad is a control freak that simply must have control of most of what is going on in his life. He does try to let go of it sometimes but eventually he comes full circle to his place of comfort: control. I miss having a life of passion and intensity. I miss having that life with Chad. When we first met there was so much passion between us. We couldn’t get enough of one another and it was wonderful! Magical! As it often does, life happens and a once strong and passionate connection a couple may have shared can easily fall to the wayside. This is what has happened in my marriage to Chad.

Even with the problems, I have never regretted marrying Chad. With him dreams that I never dared to dream have come true. There was a time when I thought that these dreams had come true because of him. Now – I am not so sure. It is undeniable that he has enhanced and sped along the unfolding of my dreams but I have grown more confident as a man. Meeting Todd has made me see that dreams can change true in way that one may never expect. As my relationship with Todd has grown stronger I have often asked myself if, given the opportunity, I would leave Chad for him. Thus far, the answer has been a resounding, “no.” Perhaps this is the reason that I have allowed myself to continue loving Todd. Somewhere in all of this I am desperately longing to bring my marriage to Chad back to that same magical place. In Todd I see what could be – what should be – and hopefully what will be again.

Chad and I finished our afternoon of floating in the pool and Chad decided to run an errand. To my delight Todd called me shortly after Chad left. He sounded so happy and relaxed when he spoke of how good he was feeling. He drank a bit more that day than he had planned and it was noticeable when he spoke. By now Todd had made the time he waters his vegetable garden his “Jason time.” He was calling because he wanted to hear my voice and tell me how much he loved me. Whenever he tells me that he loves me I am infectiously and instantly happy. We couldn’t talk for very long because Chad came home and I had to say goodbye to Todd. Before I hung up, I told Todd that I loved him and promised to call me the next day when I was at work.

Monday morning came much too soon! When I woke up I was exhausted. It was one of those days that the mere thought of getting out of bed seemed impossible. So stay in bed I did. I called in sick. Chad gave me a kiss as he left for worked and I moaned back at him. I slept in for a couple more hours. After I’d had my coffee I called Todd and as we were talking I asked what his afternoon looked like. He was thrilled to discover that I had stayed home from work and said that he was sure that he could “find some time” but he wouldn’t know what time until later in the day. An hour later he called back and said he could meet me at 2:30 at the motel. This was to be our last meeting before he left to Hawaii.

When Todd and I had decided to spend some time together in a motel he wanted me to know that he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to perform. The previous weekend of drinking had taken its toll on him. I told him that I could live with that because I really just wanted to spend a little more time with him before he left.

Todd met me at my house promptly at 2:30 and I could tell instantly that he was exhausted. We took separate cars to the motel and I booked the room in my name. I told Todd to take a shower to relax and set up my laptop so we could listen to our music. After I poured him a margarita I lay on the bed and wait for him to finish in the shower. Todd came out wearing nothing and looking refreshed. Apparently his libido was not nearly as tired as the rest of him because he came out of the shower “standing at attention.” What a sight he is naked and aroused! As he slid into bed next to me I handed him is margarita and snuggled my body closer to him. Soon the margaritas were on the nightstand and Todd was making love to me. I love to look at Todd as he reaches climax. He looks as if he is releasing a lifetime of pain and I can see it turning to joy right in front of my eyes. It’s truly an amazing sight and one that I will never forget as long as I live.

After we finished making love we lay in one another’s arms, drank margaritas, and talked. Todd was indeed very tired. We talked about how much he loved me and how happy he was that we’d found some more time to be together before he left. I promised him, again, that I would be there for him while he was gone. Todd again expressed his fear at what might happen should his family ever find out about us. He had tears in his eyes as he told me how certain he was that his children would hate him if they ever found out. I could see him heading down the path of doubt and fear but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I looked longingly into my eyes as he told me again that each time we are together he falls harder and more deeply in love with me. What he said next frightened me beyond belief. “I just… I just don’t know how I’d survive if anyone ever found out.” “I wouldn’t want to live anymore.” “I’ll probably just go someplace and….” I knew exactly what his next words were going to be so I put my hand over his mouth and started to cry softly. “God Todd!” “Don’t you dare!” “Don’t you dare do anything like that!” My voice was trembling as I continued. “Your children need their father!” “Your wife! Your wife needs you!? “We always think it’s going to be much worse than it is.” “You can’t leave me!” “You can’t!” Todd was trembling now with me as he said, “I’m so scared Jason!” “I know,” I said. “I’m here for you Baby.” “I promise!” “But you have to think about a plan B” “I’m sure you’ll never need it but you have to have some idea of how to deal with it or you’ll be completely overwhelmed.” “Todd, you will never be alone!” “I promise!” He knew that I meant it and I could see that he took comfort in my words but he was still visibly shaking. As we continued to talk I made it clear that I would leave Chad if I had to. Telling him this wasn’t the best of ideas. This was one of the only times I have misspoken to Todd. I was simply trying to get him to see that taking his own life should never be an option and he’d never be alone. Leaving Chad for Todd wasn’t something I would ever do. The same was true for the idea of Todd leaving Stacey for me. Neither of us wanted to other to leave our spouses for the other. If either of our marriages were to end we did not the reason to be because of one of us. I knew how deeply Todd loved his wife and I wanted him to have that in his life for as long as he wanted.

As hard as we tried to fight it, we were far too emotional to keep tears away. Todd reached down and began to kiss me and soon we were making love. This would be the final time we made love before he left for Hawaii. To say that this was the most mind blowing love making session of my life would be an understatement. It felt like Todd and I had merged into one person. As we reached climax we reached it almost simultaneously but my body began to do, and feel, things that it had never experienced before. Every muscle in my body began to contract, my arms and legs were shaking and my eyes rolled back in my head. I caught a glimpse of Todd’s face as this surge of pleasure morphed my entire body into a strange entity. As my climax seemed to continue on for en eternity I looked up at Todd again to see him watching me with an expression of pleasure. “That’s hot!” he said. “Oh my gosh - you look so hot right now!” “I love pleasing you like that!” I can’t imagine that a grown man, pushing 40, looking as if he was having a seizure could look hot but Todd was definitely enjoying what he was looking at. SO WAS I! I felt the effects of this climax for well over an hour. Whenever Todd touched me it felt as if my skin was on fire and my stomach tightened as I lurched forward. When I finally came back to earth I looked at Todd and said, “Oh my God!” “Never!” “Never before I have felt anything close to that!” Todd looked very happy as he said, “I love pleasing you Jason.” “You looked so hot!” “I can’t wait to do that again!” “You’d better be ready for me when I get back from Hawaii!”

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