Saturday, January 16, 2010

Red Truck/Brown Eyes

Early April in Northern California can be a mixed bag when it comes to the weather. I’d started out the day sitting in my chair, drinking my coffee and enjoying the bright sunshine streaming through our dining room windows. These are the kinds of days that cause me to reflect on how fortunate I am to have the life that I now live. Coming from nothing and fighting to survive through the California State Foster Care system makes me appreciate the simple pleasures of life much more than most people. The warmth of the sun and the beauty of that same sun shining in the backyard of my very own home always filled me with tremendous pride in all that I had accomplished. This year April brought warmth and sunshine that was a much needed reprieve from the weeks of dismal, rainless weather that had preceded it. I always enjoy the days that I am lucky enough not to have to make the drive all the way to San Francisco and get to work from home. Even though I never do the actual driving, the hour plus drive can be tedious. This was one of the perks of my new job – when the boss travels my coworker and I got to take turns working from home. It was April 7 and I quickly finished all of what I had hoped to do while working from home – leaving the rest of my day to do with as I wished. As much as I would have preferred not to make yet another trip to Home Depot, I could already hear, “Did you go to Home Depot?” questions when Chad got home.

Chad and I were married in early 2004 and celebrated with another ceremony in 2008. Our marriage started out strong and we took pride in our family and all that we had built together but there were problems that we had been trying to work on. The most concerning of these problems is our nearly extinct sex life. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but over the years we’ve continually pushed the need to connect sexually to the bottom of our priority list. Three years earlier I had discovered that Chad had been indulging in some “extra marital” trysts. I was surprisingly calm when I discovered what had been going on with random men. The only thing I was truly worried about was that there were no emotions involved. I felt that I could deal with down and dirty sex. I was wrong. It was the discovery of Chad’ trysts that made me realize that I needed to return to working in San Francisco. With Chad working in San Francisco, me working in Sacramento and our daughter in school if Fairfield I felt as if our family was so scattered that it ran the risk of completely disintegrating. There was no way I was going to let that happen and I was prepared to do whatever it took to keep my family together. Chad and I worked through the difficulties of his indiscretions but if I were to be honest I must say that I have never truly trusted that the “activities” did not continue in one form or another.

As I was driving to the Napa Home Depot, the sunroof open and sun on my face I was in an unusually good mood. I pulled into the parking lot and guided my SUV into what looked like the perfect spot under a tree. When I reached for the ignition key something caught me eye and I turn to my left.

Then I saw him.

He was six cars away, in a bright red truck that was parked backwards. He was looking right at me. My heart began to race, and my senses suddenly jumped to attention. I looked away almost as quickly as I had turned my head but I could feel him staring at me through the darkness of his sunglasses. This certainly wasn’t the first time I’d been checked out by a good looking man but something felt different this time. With my heart thumping and my palms beginning to sweat, I sat up in my seat, turned to face him and returned his gaze.

He raised his sunglasses and I – in turn – raised mine.

He nodded and I returned the nod.

“What am I doing?” I thought to myself but it was too late, I was lost in the gaze of his deep brown eyes and there was no going back.

Suddenly he sat up in the seat of his truck, turned the ignition, and his red truck began to move; I knew exactly where it was going. A few seconds later he was backing his truck into the spot next to my SUV.

“Hi” he said with a low and very masculine voice.

What’s up?” he continued.

“Not much,” I said. “Just running some errands.”

“Ya – me too” “You’re very attractive,” he said. Can’t help but stare.”

As smoothly and easily as the words seemed to slide off his tongue, I was just as smoothly and easily sliding off the driver’s seat of my SUV. The next few minutes were a jumble of sexually tense conversation in which we both let one another know that we were married.

The chemistry between us was palpable – intense – undeniable – irresistible. As I was standing next to his truck I found myself leaning in just enough to pick up a hint of his scent. Just his scent made me dizzy. I have never been a big fan of men that wear too much cologne or aftershave. In fact, I prefer that a man forego perfumes at all. There’s a big difference between a man’s odor and his scent and this beautiful man with the deep brown eyes had mesmerized me with his scent.

“Let’s go someplace else,” he said.

“Where?” I replied.

“Anywhere we can be alone,” he said.

He didn’t need to ask twice and soon I was following him with no idea where we were going. Of course I had an idea of what I would LIKE to do with him but I was married! WHAT AM I DOING?? I kept asking myself. As my mind raced and I blindly followed this man in the red truck, I tried to talk myself into turning around but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Something about him had me hypnotized and it was far more than his scent.

After we’d driven for about 10 minutes and in the middle of what looked like nowhere, he stopped at the side of the road and hopped out of his truck. He was considerably shorter than I had originally thought – which for me was a major turn on. I have always had a weakness for dark haired, shorter men and the light dusting of gray at his temples made him even more sexually appealing to me. He walked up to my window and said he had no idea where he was going but suggested we drive up the road a ways and pull off to the side. I agreed and I remember thinking “he could take me out in the woods and murder me and no one would have any idea where I was” but I had lost control of my sense of self back in the Home Depot parking lot and my fate was sealed. I followed him as he pulled over next to a wall of dirt and rocks with a nestling of trees behind it. Again he hopped out of his truck and walked up to my window. As I watched him walking up to my SUV I could feel my heart beat faster and harder as he got closer.

“Wanna go for a walk?” he asked.

“Sure.” I replied.

I locked up my SUV and, together, we climbed up an over the wall of dirt and rocks to find a beautiful and hidden little forest.

We navigated through the forest – with me leading – and found what seemed like a perfect “spot.” We were both very nervous. I turned to him and suddenly he leaned in and kissed me. His lips were soft with the faint taste of cherry Chap Stick. His hands were strong and rough, as a man’s hands should be. As we stood there kissing I was completely lost in the moment. I thought of nothing and no one other that him – the man in the red truck – whose name I didn’t know.

30 minutes after we had entered the forest, we were leaving. We had made love – a bit awkwardly because we had to do it while standing up. Since he was quite a bit shorter than me we had to be creative. It’s amazing just how creative two people that are lost in the moment can be when it becomes necessary. As we were climbing back up the wall of rocks and dirt I turned and kissed him for what I was sure would be the last time. This man in the red truck had made me feel as if I were the sexiest and most desirable person on the planet and it had been far too long since I felt those feelings. “He’s just a hot guy with a wife and I’ll most likely never see him again,” I thought to myself. He had definitely taken my already good mood to new heights and, for that, I was very grateful. He kissed me hard on and wrapped his arms around me as if he were saying goodbye to a long lost love. His embrace felt good – too good. It felt safe – honest – and wrongly right! I didn’t want to say goodbye to him but knew that I had to.

As we walked back to our cars he reached out for my hand and firmly held it in his. We stood at his truck saying our goodbyes when he said, “By the way, my name’s Todd.” “That was amazing,” he said. I felt the same way but I had my guard up and simply responded with a nod an, “uh hun!” He laughed, we hugged, and I turned to walk back to my SUV with the expectation that I was walking out of his life for good. Then I did something that still catches me by surprise – and ultimately would change how and what I felt about love forever. I went back to his truck and gave him my cell phone number. He wrote it on a small piece of paper and shoved it in his pocket. I was sure I would never hear from him again.

As I drove home from my “encounter” with Todd I managed to successfully push the encounter out of my mind and chalked it up as a random and one time experience. Admittedly, I was still on the high from our encounter but the reality of our respective situations was that we would not be seeing one another again. I made peace with this realization and by the time I returned home I had carefully stored our shared experience in the back my mind where I was sure it would stay.

Chad is rarely sick but the Friday after my encounter with Todd Chad got out of bed with a fever. At my insistence Chad stayed home from work and I took the car to work. I had made it through the week without thinking of my encounter with Todd once.

The sun was shining bright that Friday afternoon as I started my commute home. A sunny day in San Francisco is a treasured gift so I had dropped the top on our roadster and was enjoying the sun on my face as I zipped through the city on my way home when my cell phone rang. The number that came up was not one that I recognized. Usually when this happens I ignore the call but not this time. I answered. Hey.. Um, it’s Todd from the other day” “Do you remember me?” My heart leapt with excitement and I pulled the car over so that I didn’t drive off the road. I couldn’t believe he was actually calling me! This beautiful and married man that I was sure I would never see again. I intently listened as he told me how much he had “enjoyed” our meeting and how much he was hoping that I might want to get together again. Before I knew what I was saying I had blurted out a resounding, “YES!” He asked if I was going to be around the next day, Saturday, and I said yes. Todd suggested that we meet at the same place where we had parted ways earlier in the week. I agreed and we said our goodbyes. I continued my drive home with nervous anticipation of what the next afternoon might bring.

Saturday morning I got up and went about fussing over Chad. The doctor had diagnosed strep-throat so there wasn’t much I could do other than make sure I didn’t get it. Conveniently this meant staying away. My thoughts were consumed with my impending rendezvous with Todd. As I pulled out of the garage to meet Todd I thought, for the last time, “what am I doing? I’m married!” I drove to the spot where I had last left Todd and waited for him to arrive. Ten minutes after I had arrived I saw Todd’s bright red truck turn the corner and my heart began to smile. What is it about this guy?” I thought to myself.

As Todd pulled up next to my SUV, I jumped out and waited for him to park. Then – there he was – with his arms wrapped around me, smiling up at me and telling me how nice I looked and how great it was to see me again. He was genuine and sincere when he spoke and it made me feel very special. We climbed up and over the rock and dirt wall again and found the same spot that we had first made love. This time we seemed to have a better sense of where we were and we both quickly realized that anyone could come along at any time so we decided to find someplace a little more private. As we were heading back to our cars, Todd grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. With his arms wrapped around me he kissed me softly and I could feel my knees begin to buckle. This was the first time I remember feeling “it.” It felt as if I had known Todd my entire life and we were somehow connected on a level that made absolutely no sense. I’d never been kissed quite like Todd kissed me and it felt right – it felt good – it felt safe. Todd looked up at me and smiled as his lips left mine. “It’s really good to see you again,” he said. “I know,” I replied. My guard was still up but he was unknowingly pulling my heart to his.

Once we arrived back at our cars we had no idea where we should go. I glanced at my car and said, “The windows are tinted and the back is really big.” Todd nervously agreed. We put the front seats all the way forward and we both jumped up into my SUV. Before I could close the door all the way Todd’s lips were locked onto mine. The intensity and passion between us was overwhelming and soon we were making love in a way that I had never made love with another person before. I have been with my share of men before, and sex has always been something that I enjoy but that I could relatively easily emotionally detach from. Never – not once – has a man made love to me in the way that Todd did that afternoon in the back of my SUV. It was if he was pouring is soul deep into mine. He held my face and kissed me as if I was his long lost love and he couldn’t imagine life without me. The next three hours were a haze of passionate embraces, deep longing kisses, and intense, emotional love making. When we had exhausted ourselves Todd laid in my arms and said, “We need to get a room next time.” “Next time?” I asked. “Yes, I’d like to see you again, if you want to,” he replied. Once again my answer was swift and automatic, “Yes – yes I do.” I barely knew this man but I already knew that he was a man of few words but when he spoke, he did so with meaning and purpose.

Saying goodbye was a little more difficult this time. We had made a connection the first time we met, that was certain, but this time the connection went much deeper. Todd said he’d call me in a day or two and just before I turned to get back into my SUV he reached up, put his hand on my face and said, “I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe it.” His tone was soft, his eyes were kind, and his heart poured out, again, through the touch of his hand to my face. “Me either,” I said. We kissed again and went our separate ways. My guard was now on high alert as I began to feel emotions stirring in me that I did not want to feel but simply could not resist.

As I drove home from my second encounter with Todd I was full of nervous energy. I remember wondering if he’d call. If I’d really see him again. Was I crazy for feeling something so intensely with someone I didn’t know?

Todd called a few days later because I had sent him a few text messages and he was concerned that his wife might see them. I went out to the garage and we chatted for a little while before he told me that he wanted to see me again. I told him that I’d really like that but felt that we should get a room, if possible. He agreed.

As luck would have it, my boss was traveling the following week so I had a day at home alone. Todd called that morning and we agreed that we’d get a room at the Motel 6 off of highway 37 in Vallejo. It was cheap, clean and off the beaten path. Best of all they took cash so there was no need for either of us to use a credit card. As I drove to the motel, my head was full of “what ifs” and “this is crazy” thoughts. I hadn’t even told him my real name. I have no idea why I hadn’t told him my name. Perhaps it was a way for me to keep a safe distance. I arrived at the motel first. Todd called shortly after I parked and said he’d be there in a few minutes. When his truck pulled into the parking lot I could feel my heart jump and a smile took over my face. Todd pulled his red truck up next my SUV. His smile was broad – his eyes were happy – and I was surprised at how much I was truly happy to see him again. He got out of his truck and walked around to the passenger side of my SUV and climbed in. Once we were able to pull our faces apart we sat and made small talk. Neither of us had ever done anything like this before so we were both noticeably nervous. “How should we do this,” he asked as if I would somehow have a better idea than him. Mustering up my most pathetic face, I pleadingly said, “I was really hoping that you’d get the room.” Todd laughed and said, “I was hoping you would.” Ever the gentleman, he said he’d do it but I sensed that he was scared to death. So was I.

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