"You are making me SO gay!"

We had agreed to meet in Mendocino, a small coastal community about 10 miles south of Fort Bragg. Todd wanted to show me the town and have lunch there. As I drove the windy roads I thought often about the journey Todd and I had been on over the previous 5 months. I thought of how far he’d come and how proud of him I was. I was troubled at the cheating part of what we were doing but I also knew that with me he was safe and I loved him enough to let him be whoever he needed to be. It was during this drive that I was hit with the reality of just how much Todd loved me. He had been through so much torment and struggle since our first meeting in the Home Depot parking lot. He had cried and held on to me for dear life. I had become his life preserver in a sea of darkness. His safe place. He had been up and down and back and forth but somehow he always managed to find his way back to me – each time telling me how much deeper he was falling for me. I felt as if he was beginning to realize the difference between his love for me and his love for Stacey. He was still far from being able to articulate it but he was at least beginning to understand it. I knew that when our time in Fort Bragg was over Todd would put himself through unimaginable torment at what he had done. We had discussed this in advance and I reminded him of that kernel of hope he had been holding on to. I made him promise to be strong and hang in there before we left. He promised, saying, “I just can’t let you go Jason.” “I wish that I could, but I can’t.” “I know that now.”

When I arrived in Mendocino it wasn’t very difficult to find Todd. His boom truck stood out like a sore thumb in the cuteness of the little town. I parked and called him. When we finally connected he told me to follow him. He led me to a public men’s room, and once inside, where no one could see us, he grabbed my face, pulled me to him, and kissed me passionately. He told me how glad he was to see me and how excited he was about this time we’d managed to find. We had agreed in advance that we would do whatever we needed to do to have a good time. Go with the flow and just “be.” After we walked around town for a little bit we found a cute little restaurant to have lunch. During lunch we talked a little about what was going on with me at home but I didn’t really want that to take away from our time together. Todd and Stacey were preparing to drive their son to college the day after we got back from Fort Bragg so we talked a lot about how he was feeling about that. I could tell that it was difficult for him. He still remembered is son as a two year old, running naked between his house and his mother-in-law’s house. Whenever Todd spoke of his family he did so with love and pride but there was always fear mixed in. It was as if he just couldn’t bring himself to truly enjoy them. Almost as if he didn’t feel that he deserved their love. He spoke of how proud he was of his son and what a great kid he was. I told Todd that if he felt like he needed to cry when he left his son then he should allow himself that. Todd had spent so many years fighting what was inside of him that he had never really truly allowed himself to feel because he was afraid he might slip up and someone would discover his secret. I wanted nothing more for him than to live an honest and true life but I knew that the likely hood of that ever happening wasn’t very good.

When we finished lunch, we walked back to my truck and he drove me around showing me all of the houses he had worked on throughout the years. Todd was very proud of what he had built in his business and this was evident whenever he told me about his work. After my tour I dropped him off at his boom truck and followed him the ten miles up the freeway to Fort Bragg. He found a place to leave his boom truck while we searched for a room. I had done some online research and found a cute little motel right on the beach. We drove through town and found the motel. Todd went in and decided that we should stay there. Once we were checked in we went up to the room. It was beautiful! It had a Jacuzzi tub, a fireplace and stunning ocean views. The last thing we had to do was pick up his boom truck and bring it to the motel. Then we were free to relax and enjoy our time together.

Once we had picked up the boom truck and were in our room we relaxed for a little while but I sensed that Todd was still uncomfortable. I asked if he was okay. I was right he was nervous and wondered if he was crazy for thinking that he should spent the extra $50 for a room at the regular motel he stayed at – just in case Stacey called. I told him that if it would give him some peace of mind then he should do it. He agreed and took my truck to get the room. While I was waiting for Todd to return I mixed up some margaritas and took care of some of my work emails. Todd was back in less than a half an hour and he was noticeably more relaxed. We had a few drinks and then we began to make love. I could feel Todd fighting his feelings and, unfortunately, it manifested itself in his ability to perform. He was worried that I’d be disappointed but we’d already discussed that we would go with the flow. I wasn’t worried about his ability and reminded him that if he couldn’t, I COULD! We lay in bed for a little while and then I suggested we fill up the tub and take a bath together. That’s what we did and it was nice. Todd had never had a foot massage so I gave him one and he thoroughly enjoyed it! The water was too hot though so we couldn’t stay in for very long. The hot water didn’t go well with the margaritas and Todd got very light headed.

Once we were dried off, we put out pants on and sat outside on the balcony watching the waves crash and talking. I could feel Todd struggling. We began to talk. “I have a beautiful wife, great kids, a semi-successful business, and a beautiful home.” “Why can’t that be enough for me?” “What do I have to have this!?” “Why can’t I be happy?” He wasn’t crying but I felt his pain and sorrow. He knew the answer and so did I. “You already know Todd,” I said to him gently. He looked up at me with his sad brown eyes and said, “I do?” “Yes, because the one thing you don’t have is what we all want and need to be truly happy.” I said. “What’s that?” he asked. “Do I really need to say it?” I said. He didn’t respond with words but I knew he wanted me to say it. “The one thing you don’t have is TRUTH and we all need that to be happy.” Hearing the words was not easy for him. “Okay, don’t want to talk about it anymore,” he said. With that I changed the subject.

Once we had cooled off from the hot bath we got back into bed and began to kiss and embrace one another. That look of adventure came across Todd’s face and I knew what it meant. He wanted to try being on the receiving end of making love again. I was more than happy to oblige. We took our time getting Todd relaxed enough and when he was ready – he was REALLY ready! I was a little nervous when we started because I still had the memory of our first time doing that in my head. I didn’t want Todd to have to deal with a week of discomfort but he quickly showed me that my worries were for nothing. As much as Todd enjoyed it the last time we had switched roles, this time he was experiencing an entirely new level of ecstasy. I had shown Todd how to guide me with his legs during our last experience down this road. By wrapping his legs around my back and pulling me to him with his legs I would know how much force and how fast to go. He took to the concept very quickly and this time, despite needing a refresher, he was insatiable! His legs were like a vice grip around my back and his arms were intertwined with mine as he pulled me to and from him with a surprising amount of force and frequency. As I looked down at him, I could see how surprised he was by his enjoyment of what we were doing. The last time we had made love this way he had one request; that I not orgasm inside of him – which for me was no easy task but I knew that he wasn’t ready for that. I knew that he would be completely freaked out after the fact and I loved him enough to let him enjoy the experience without the aftermath that would surely be the result if I had released myself inside of him. This time was different though. This time Todd had was achieving new levels of pleasure. So was I! Being inside of Todd and seeing that he was experiencing so much pleasure brought me to new levels of pleasure and excitement. Each time I got close to orgasm I would stop and hold Todd tightly. Unlike the last two times we had tried this, this time Todd began to master the concept and he pulled me to him with a great deal more force and frequency than before. For a novice he was really taking it! At one point, when I was close to orgasm, I told him that I had to stop but he told me not to. I’ve never been good at split second decisions – especially if it the choice would benefit me. In the case, as hard as it was for me, and as much as I wanted to release myself inside of Todd, I knew that he still wasn’t ready for that step. It, literally, took every ounce of control I had in me but I looked down at him and said, “No Todd. Not like this.” He told me again that he was okay with it but I said, “You’re not ready yet Todd and I love you too much to watch you go through what I know you will if I do that.” “When you’re ready for that step we can talk about it in advance and then we can go there, okay?” Once Todd came back down to reality I could see that he appreciated that I had kept my senses about me and he knew that I was right. We continued passionately making love for another half an hour and Todd continued to surprise me with the level of thrust he could – and wanted to – take. At one point he grabbed my hips and pulled me over and over to him as hard as he could, he threw his head back and cried, “Oh God Jason you are making me SOOO gay!” The sweetness and naiveté in his voice was hysterical and we both began to uncontrollably laugh. I looked down at him and said, “Um, I’m not making you anything Todd, I m only bringing it out.” We continued making love this way for a little longer before switching back to our usual roles.

When we had finished making love we decided to go to dinner. We found a nice place to eat on the wharf. During dinner I could see that Todd was struggling again. He was happy that we had made the trip but he was still fighting himself and he was terrified at the thought of Stacey finding out. I continued to remind him that I would do what I had promised and keep him safe and doing everything possible to make sure Stacey never found out. Todd talked about how he felt badly that he had not been as good of a husband as he could have been. I was certain that Stacey wouldn’t agree with him but I also saw an opportunity to talk to him about what I had been witnessing. From the moment we arrived in Fort Bragg I could feel Todd fighting himself. I had a strong feeling that he was like this in his everyday life. I explained to him that if I could sense it after such a short time, Stacey most definitely could. He wanted to be happy and totally enjoy himself with me but he was torn. He was torn between what he wanted and who he really was. I told him that he had to learn how to accept who he was or he’d never be happy. Over the course of their 25 year marriage I was sure that there had been many, many times when Stacey could feel what I was feeling. Feeling as if Todd was there but something was off –not quite right. But Stacey did not have the insight and knowledge that I had. She did not know what Todd was fighting – or that he was even fighting. My suspicion was that the only place Stacey could go when Todd was like this was to internalize it and make it about her – somehow her fault. Todd didn’t like hearing this but he knew that I was right and by now Todd had grown to completely trust me. I knew that but I also started to realize that his trust in himself was what was causing him so much torment. I knew how much he loved Stacey and I knew how he hated lying to her. It had been eating at his soul for more than 25 years. He used to tell me that there were times when he’d be standing in the kitchen or in the bathroom with her and want to blurt it out. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it. I understood that feeling all too well. Most people that are gay have gone through that at some point and it is a feeling that we never forget.

After dinner we went back to our room and I could see that Todd was exhausted. He told me that he wasn’t sure if he could perform. I told him not to worry about it. We could just lie together and snuggle. He was relieved. Of course we did start and stop a couple of times but that was fine. One of the great things about being with Todd was that it didn’t have to always be about sex. We had formed a deep connection and that was enough to sustain us both. I enjoyed being with him and he enjoyed being with me. There had been a few times when he just didn’t have the mental strength to perform sexually and I never took it personally. The amount of pressure he was under would be unimaginable to most of us so the simple act of holding him was enough to keep us connected. He has spent his entire life under this pressure in one form or another and I so desperately wished I could take it away from him.

Todd didn’t sleep very well during our night in Fort Bragg. I’d expected as much so neither did I. We managed to doze off in the wee hours of the morning but woke up at about 5:30 in the morning. I sensed his level of stress and held him tightly. I’ve never been a big fan of making love first thing in the morning but with Todd none of my usual insecurities mattered and we made love that morning. I could feel his suffering throughout the experience of our love making that morning and it was not easy for either of us. But Todd wanted to make love to me and I wanted him to do it.

When we were finished we lay in bed for about an hour more before he had to get up and get ready to drive his boom truck to meet his crew at the job site. I didn’t want him to go but I knew he had to. I was beginning to doze off as Todd was about to leave. He came to the bed, sat next to me and I could feel him looking at me. I opened my eyes and he was smiling his warm smile down at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re beautiful in the morning!” “Liar!” I grunted back at him. He laughed quietly and said he had to get going and then he reached down and hugged me tightly. His hugs had always been all consuming and they had also allowed me to feel his torment. He loved me but he didn’t want to, and he knew that he couldn’t fight it but he never stopped trying. Hugs from Todd, as much as I loved them, were a contradiction of emotions; I always managed to hold on to the bright light of his soul, that he didn’t believe was there, but I knew those that loved him saw. Todd kissed me gently, told me he loved me and quietly slipped out the door.

I woke up at about 9 that morning to a beautiful sunny day and the sound of the ocean crashing against the shore. We had gotten through our getaway intact. I knew that Todd was going to struggle but I also knew that he wouldn’t run. I had made him promise me that at dinner the night before. I got up and went about the business of packing up my things. I made a few phone calls and left Todd a message that I was on my way home. As usual, I couldn’t be too specific or lovey-dovey when I left a message because he was always concerned that Stacey might check his messages. I checked out of the motel and started the trip home – back to reality and my splintered marriage.

On the drive home I stopped a few times to pick up some sweatshirts and knick-knacks for myself, Chad and our daughter. I purposely didn’t buy anything in Fort Bragg for them but I did buy something special to hang in my rearview mirror as a memory of our trip. When I got back into cell range I called Todd to discover he was only about 10 minutes ahead of me on the freeway. He sounded like he was okay but I could tell that he was having a hard time. I told him that I would call him later, after I had hooked up the trailer and was on my way home. Before I hung up I asked him what had become our substitute for “I love you” and was easier for him to process. “You still with me?” I asked. “Yes… I’m still with you,” he said softly. “You know I am.” I smiled, we said goodbye and I headed to pick up my trailer.

I got to my best friend’s house and hooked up my trailer and started my return trip home. It had been a week since I was home and I found that I was looking forward to being home again. My daughter had gone to grandma’s house for a couple of days because two of my three cousins were coming to town for a husband free, child free weekend. Chad had agreed to come home that night to welcome me home and spend some time with my cousins. When I was about 20 minutes from home Todd called and I pulled over so we could talk. He seemed okay. He said that he really enjoyed our time in Fort Bragg. As we both expected, he was having difficult moments but he had been able to pull himself out of it. He really didn’t have a choice because the following day the family was taking his son to college. He knew that he had to be mentally present for that because it was a big step for his son and for his family. We talked for about half an hour. He said he’d call me on Sunday when he had some time or possibly on Saturday when they got back.

Todd called me late Saturday afternoon when I was with my cousins. He was doing okay and told me that it had been hard for him to let his son go but he was very proud of him. He said that Stacey was having a hard time and he was trying to be strong for her. Still something felt off while I was talking to him. This time it was different though. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I could tell that there was something that Todd wasn’t telling me.

Sunday morning my cousins left and I was running errands when Todd called. He was very upset. I pulled over so we could talk. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he thought that Stacey knew something about us. I asked him to explain because I wanted to find out if he was freaking out for nothing. Todd went on to tell me that while they were driving their son to school Stacey had gotten a text message from someone asking for her email address because she needed to tell her something about Todd. Stacey didn’t know who it was and the person didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t tell Todd at the time but I knew that didn’t sound good. But – still how would anyone know anything? “Todd, calm down. You can’t freak out at stuff like this or you’ll give Stacey reason to be suspicious.” I said. “I know Jason, I’m just so scared!” “I don’t know what I would do if she ever found out!” There really wasn’t much I could other than try to calm him down. I’d never seen him quite this freaked out before so I knew that there was something very real going on. I told him to relax and just try not to let Stacey see him so freaked out. To keep himself out of sight he was busily doing work around the house. I told him he could call me at any time if he needed to. When I hung up the phone I had a bad feeling.

Todd called me Sunday evening and he still sounded upset but he was better. He said that Stacey had told him that she hadn’t heard from her anonymous friend. I managed to calm him down some more and told him that it was going to be fine. I didn’t tell him that I wasn’t so sure.

Making it work....

When Todd returned from Hawaii we could hardly wait to see one another. He had come back to me just as he promised. Our first meeting was difficult for him. He broke down in my arms and told me, again, that he was terrified that he’d fall more in love with me than with his wife. Despite missing me terribly while he was in gone, he haad thought often of letting me go. Each time he came to the realization that he just couldn’t do it. Moreover, he didn’t want to. He was fighting his feelings but continued to tell me that just couldn’t let me go. It always felt good when he said this to me – and he said it many times – but I could feel his torment whenever he did. He didn’t want to feel what he was feeling and I knew that it would take a lot of time for him to realize that, at some point, he was going to have to embrace who he truly was. For a man like Todd this was a terrifying reality. He only knew one kind of “gay” and being with me had shown him something that he never realized could actually exist.

As the months passed Todd and I grew closer and closer. He had good days and bad days. Sometimes he’d be able to go for a week or two but eventually his guilt would be too much for him to bear and he would go back to his place of doubt and fear. I’d never met anyone who did not know how to be truly happy. For Todd, self-torment was the only ‘safe’ place he had. His entire sense of self-worth and happiness revolved around those that were close to him. If things were going smoothly at home he felt okay but the moment there was a ripple of any kind Todd immediately put the blame on himself. Every problem in the lives of his loved ones was somehow his fault because, as he saw it, he was hiding such a big secret that he was to blame for everything. I’d never know such a tortured soul.

Sexually speaking Todd was very new to everything. I was the first man that he’d ever penetrated anally and he certainly took to it very easily! We often discussed his desire to reverse our roles. He had been curious from our first meeting but he knew that it would have to be with someone that he cared about. He just isn’t the kind of man that can do something so personal with someone he didn’t know. Being with me and seeing how much I enjoyed the experience with him made his desire stronger. I knew it was only a matter of time so I decided that I would let him be the one that initiated it when he was ready.

Although our time together was full of love and tenderness his torment and torture were always evident and a constant presence. There was simply no escaping it but when he had his moments of clarity and happiness his laugher and joy filled my heart. When he let loose and relaxed I saw the man that he was so afraid of. It was truly heartbreaking to see him suffer but I had grown to love this man in a way that I had never realized was possible. Being with Todd transformed me from the selfish person I used to be, into a selfless person. I liked me better when I was with him. He continued to express his horror at the thought of his wife discovering his secret and I continued to gently encourage him to openly discuss his fears with me. We’d made an agreement that if he felt like it was starting to be too much for him to deal with then he’d say he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I always respected his limits and never pushed him further – changing the subject immediately.

When I first met Todd I thought he might be bisexual. It was clear from the beginning the he loved and adored his wife. She was his world and the bond they shared was one that, even in her absence, I could feel. I often told Todd that even though I didn’t know her, I liked her. As we grew closer Todd began to feel more comfortable talking about his wife, his kids, and their life; a life he was desperately trying to hold on to. Over the course of their 25 year marriage Todd’s wife, Stacey, had almost always been the one to initiate sex. Todd told me that it had always been an issue between them but within the last couple of years she had taken charge and “got on him” nearly every day – sometime more than once. I remember thinking, “good for her!” He enjoyed making Stacey happy and he understood that this was a way in which they could stay connected and together. I asked if he enjoyed the experience of making love to Stacey as much as he enjoyed making love to me. He was quick to answer that he did but he also recognized that there was a very big difference but he couldn’t quite describe it. One afternoon I explained that difference in a way that I thought he could understand: I began by using my hand as the pointer on a meter. I told Todd that he loved his wife very deeply and dropped my left hand down low saying, this is how deep you love her. I explained that what he didn’t realize was that there was a whole other level down below the level he was at with his wife –dropping my left hand down even lower. Then he met me. I could see that what I was saying made him uncomfortable but he didn’t tell me to stop. I knew when he would let himself feel the depth of what we were building – I could feel it. But it didn’t last for long. Todd fought it as hard as he could! He didn’t want it - he wanted his wife and I promised him that I would never judge him and I would never pressure him to do anything other than what he wanted. If being with Stacey was what he wanted then I would make sure that was where he went. The way I saw it was that if it wasn’t me it would certainly be someone else. At least with me he was with someone that truly loved him and would keep him safe from himself. He did not want to return to his days of random, meaningless hookups with strange men in places that could get him arrested. He also knew that he could no longer fool himself into thinking that he could go the rest of his life without being with a man. I explained to Todd that his wife has always been at the level that he was now darting in and out of with me. When I said that I knew that Todd understood how unfair that was for Stacey but he just wasn’t ready to hear more. Listening to me speak of the different levels of love and connection was very hard for him but he knew I was right so we changed the subject.

When Todd returned from Hawaii we had agreed to space out our visits further apart. Prior to him leaving we had been so overwhelmed by our feelings that we made time to be together several times a week. Over and over he would express how shocked he was at how he had grown to love me. “I never thought I could feel this way about a guy.” Became his motto. I began to understand that this was his way of telling me how much he loved me without actually having to say the words. When he would say the words, “I love you so much,” I felt his fear and torment. The unspoken part of what he was saying was the he didn’t want to love me. He wanted to be “normal” and only love his wife. No matter what I said he just couldn’t accept that this was how he was born and it was not his fault. Todd had spent his entire life blaming himself for not having the strength to push this out of him. He didn’t want it and he was convinced he could fight it if he were a better, stronger person.

As the weeks passed Todd began to find ways of pushing me out of his head while he was with his family. It wasn’t easy for him but he knew that he had to do it. He used to say to me that he put me on a little shelf in his head and then look once in awhile to make sure I was still there. He started to get pretty good at it too. So good in fact that he began to believe that he might just be able to manage this situation forever. But then he would see me and his feelings for me came flooding back. I could see it in his eyes the second he saw me. I always knew when Todd was connected to me and when he’d disconnect he was a million miles away. There were many, many times that Todd told me that he would lay awake at night thinking that he had to let me go but the next day he always managed to realized that he just couldn’t do it. I knew what he was struggling with because I was struggling with the same thing. There were many nights I found myself trying to find reasons to walk away but I could never bring myself to do it. I knew what we were doing was wrong but what we felt was real – very real – even if Todd fought it with every ounce of strength he had. He just couldn’t bring himself to think of a life without Stacey and I was committed to making sure that he would never have to face that reality. Surprisingly committed!

One afternoon while at Motel 6 Todd and I were beginning to make love when he flipped around and sat on top of me. I had a sense that he was ready to try being on the receiving end of making love. I asked him if he was sure he was ready for it and he smiled his mischievous smile; which told me that he was ready to try. Since Todd was so much smaller than me it was pretty easy for me to grab him and flip him around on his back. I took it slow – VERY slow. As I began to enter Todd his face contorted with discomfort. I was barely in and I could see that he was NOT enjoying it at all so I asked him if he was okay. He looked up at me and said, “Ooouch.” It was just too funny not to laugh as so we burst out laughing and stopped – assuming our usual love making positions.

As Todd prepared to leave the motel that afternoon he told me that he was really sore “down there.” I told him that he would be for a day or two. It lasted a week and I was sure that he’d never want to try that again. I was very wrong!

Week after week Todd and I found time to be together at least once a week. The longest we ever went without seeing one another was ten days and when we’d see one another again it always felt as if we hadn’t seen one another for a month. We talked on the phone almost daily. Some days he was great and some days he was really struggling. Sometimes we’d talk on the phone two or three times a day. We discovered that being apart was much easier for both of us if we stayed away from saying “I love you” during every conversation. Although I knew it was true, I also knew that the words made his reality much more difficult because now it wasn’t just about an attraction to men for him. He had gone to place that he never knew he could and he was scared to death. There is a big difference between a sexual encounter and deep emotion.

In early August I had been invited to the 20th reunion from the high school across town from the high school I had graduated from. I had gone to middle school with most of them and with Facebook I had been in contact with most of them. I decided that I would go but I also knew that Chad wouldn’t want to go. I planned to spend the night. The day I made my reservation I called Todd and asked if he’d ever done any jobs or estimates in Livermore; where the reunion would be held and where I‘d be staying. He said he could make it happen.

We got together several more times prior to the reunion and we began to look forward to that Saturday afternoon. We saw it as a little get away and it wasn’t likely that Todd would see anyone that knew him all the way out in Livermore. I met up with Todd that afternoon in Lafayette and he followed me to my hotel in Livermore. We spent 5 hours making love, talking, ordering room service and just being together and happy. Todd told me over and over that afternoon just how much he loved me. He’d hold my face and with his deep brown eyes looking at me he’d say, “I love you so much Jason. I really do! And it scares me to death.” and then he would wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly. Todd had a way to reach deep into my soul with a look and a few words. He wasn’t the most verbal of men but when he spoke – he spoke truth and that made me love him even more. I told Todd that afternoon in Livermore that sometimes I wondered if I had made it too easy for him. He told me that it was precisely because I never pushed him, never judged him, and accepted all of him that made him want me even more. He said that if I was a jerk and demanding it would be much easier for him to walk away. I just couldn’t be that that person with Todd. With Todd my intentions were pure and honest. Selfless and true. All I wanted for Todd was for him to find a way to be happy. He didn’t believe me when I’d tell him what an amazing and wonderful person he was. He’d spent his entire life believing that he was a bad person unworthy of happiness and even if the day came that I had to walk away from him, I felt that if I could give him a glimpse of the beautiful man I saw then it would be worth it for me.

Our conversation that afternoon in Livermore remained deep but honest. It was that afternoon that Todd made a huge milestone. He told me that before he met me he’d always assumed that if he’d ever gotten caught it would be time for him to die. This wasn’t the first time Todd has spoken of death if he was ever discovered but it never got easier for me. It had grown to be my worst fear for him. My heart sank as he spoke of how he believed that death was his only option and tears began streaming down my face. I listened intently as he described how before meeting me he couldn’t see any other way. Losing Stacey, the kids and everyone around him would mean he lost everything and he just couldn’t see how he could go on. I knew there was something big coming so when he stopped talking I said, “And now?” Todd looked down at me with tears in his eyes and said, “Now everyone once in a while I think…. ‘maybe – just maybe it doesn’t have to be like that.’” He had no idea what he had just said but he knew that it was big. I looked up at him and said, “Todd that is your kernel of sand.” I went on, “When we met all you could see was darkness and despair but now you have a tiny little kernel of hope.” I was now crying and so was Todd. “Please Todd – PLEASE – hold on to that when things seem bleak!” “Stacey and the kids need you!” “Promise me that you’ll hold on to that, nurture it and help it grow because you need it!” He promised but I knew he was still very scared.

As our afternoon in Livermore came to a close I had gotten ready for my evening at the reunion. Todd hugged me, kissed me and told me that he loved me as he slipped out the door and went back to his family. It had been another emotional day with Todd but he had made a huge breakthrough and I began to have hope that if the unthinkable were to happen and his wife were to ever find out – he would be okay. I’d always told Todd that I didn’t think his wife would abandon him if she ever discovered his secret. Todd painted a very vivid picture of the bond they shared and I was certain that she would support him in any way that she could. Todd never trusted that and I couldn’t get him to believe me but I tried as often as I could.

The day after the reunion Todd left me a message and I could tell by the tone in his voice that he was very upset. I called him back immediately and asked what was wrong. He was crying and told me that he and Stacey had a very rough night. I asked what had happened. It turned out that when he got home from our afternoon in Livermore Stacey was feeling frisky and that night she tried to get intimate with him but he was just too wiped out from our afternoon together. He didn’t go into a lot of detail but he did tell me that she had been very hurt by his inability to perform. I tried to tell Todd that he is human and they do have a lot of sex so maybe he should have a conversation with her and explain that there are times that he just can’t perform because things don’t work. I told him that it was very important that he explain to her that it wasn’t because he didn’t want her or that he wasn’t attracted to her. Todd continued to cry as he told me how hard it was for him whenever he felt as if he hurt her. He was nearly inconsolable. I remember thinking that his reaction to a one time inability to perform seemed somewhat dramatic. I sensed that there was much more going on for him but decided not to push it. He told me that the next morning when Stacey got up he could tell she was still upset and he didn’t know what to do. I told him that I had some suggestions. Ignoring it and waiting until she felt better shouldn’t be an option. I told him to do something different or special for her. Take her for a walk. Take her to dinner. Light some candles and give her a bath. I promised him that those are the things that I would appreciate and I was sure that she would recognize the effort and sincerity in what he was trying to do – thus snapping out of it.

Todd took my advice and the next day when we spoke he was a different man. The torment of the previous day was gone and he had renewed vigor and confidence. He thanked me for being there for him and he told me that he was amazed at how well I seemed to understand Stacey without having ever met her. I reminded him that I had made him a promise to always make sure that he was where he wanted to be and it was clear that he wanted to be with Stacey. How could I not support that for him? It simply was not an option and I so hated to see him suffer.

Things moved along pretty smoothly after our afternoon in Livermore. So smoothly in fact that Todd was beginning to get comfortable being out in public with me. One afternoon he picked me up from work and we drove over the Golden Gate Bridge into Sausalito to have lunch. We picked a nice seafood place and sat outside on the patio with passerby’s walking passed us throughout lunch. I could tell that Todd was enjoying the experience. He began to realize that if anyone ever saw us he could just say that he’d been having lunch with a client. His eyes – to me – were a dead giveaway as to what he was thinking though. “I so want to jump over this table right now and kiss you!” he said. “I know! So do I.” I said. Visit by visit Todd and I began to strengthen our bond but I always knew that the bond he had with his wife was his priority and I was totally committed to supporting that. I knew that without that bond Todd and I could never be together because he would fall apart.

Chad and I bought a travel trailer several years ago. When Todd and I had first started being together we had agreed that we would never do anything other than talk if we were ever in the other’s house. The way we saw it was that was ‘sacred’ ground and we would not disrespect that. But the trailer was moveable! One afternoon when I was working at home Todd and I were trying to decide where to meet. We didn’t want to get a motel room but being in my car always made Todd very nervous. I called Todd and told him to meet at Wal-Mart in American Canyon because I had a surprise for him. “I can’t take anything from you Jason.” “Stacey will find it.” I told him that I knew that already and told him to trust me. At this point, in addition to his love, I also knew that Todd completely trusted me. He agreed to meet me at Wal-Mart that afternoon.

After Todd and I made plans to meet at Wal-Mart, I began to hook up the trailer to my SUV. I arrived at Wal-Mart about 20 minutes before Todd and found a spot out of the way to park and get set up. When Todd arrived he called me because he couldn’t find me. I guided him to where I had parked. The moment he saw me and my surprise his face lit up and he was smiling from ear to ear. I told him that this was private, and no one would bother us in a Wal-Mart parking lot. We ate lunch in the trailer and when we were finished Todd came over to me, reached down, and gently placed his hand on my cheek. “Thank you! You’re amazing… I can’t believe you did all of this for me.” “You just keep making me want you more Jason!” I smiled up at him and told him that it wasn’t that big of a deal and if helping him feel safe meant I had to be creative then I was more than happy to do it.

We spent several hours in my trailer that afternoon making love and talking. I asked Todd if he was attracted to other women besides his wife? Todd didn’t skip a beat when he said, “No!” I must have looked a little surprised because Todd said, “I know.. I’m fucked aren’t I!?” I smiled at him and told him that as long as Stacey was where he wanted to be then that is exactly where I would make sure that he went. Lying in bed with our legs intertwined that afternoon I began to get a very good sense of who Todd was. It became clear to me that afternoon that Todd was actually gay. I didn’t tell him that but I continued to listen. He had always talked about Stacey in general terms unless he was talking about how much he loved her. On this afternoon he talked about Stacey the woman. The one and only woman he truly loved. I was fascinated! Truly fascinated at the similarities that Stacey and I seemed to share. I told Todd that afternoon that Stacey sounds a lot like me. He said he already knew and felt like I was the male version of her. “Why can’t I just have you both?” He said only half jokingly. I laughed and told him that would be up to Stacey but I was going to guess she’d go with no. As time went on and Todd spoke more and more of Stacey I began to like her more and more as a person. There were many times when I told Todd that he needed to step it up and be more supportive of her. She couldn’t always be the bad guy and Todd needed to be a sterner parent. He knew I was right but it was still very hard for him.

I pulled the trailer out one more time and we met at Wal-Mart for few more hours. We tried to stay away from motel rooms as much as possible. The next time we were in the trailer Todd made another milestone. This time the trailer was still parked at my house but we felt that was okay since we weren’t in the house. We just couldn’t do that. We had lunch and drank some margaritas. As we began making love I saw the look in Todd’s eyes that told me he was feeling adventurous. Sure enough, in one fell swoop he flipped around and was again sitting on top of me. He was grinding himself on me and I knew what that meant. This time we took it MUCH slower. Todd eased himself down onto me very slowly. When he’d grimace I’d lift him up and off of me. We did this for awhile and then I grabbed him and lifted his entire body up and put him down gently on his back. I spent the next 10 minutes using my fingers to relax him. This seemed to do the trick because when he was on his back and I went slowly he could take all of me. I started slow and then before I knew it we were going at it quite forcefully. Todd was shocked at how much he enjoyed it. Frankly, so was I! The first time we had tried it I barely got in more than an inch and now he was grabbing my hips and forcefully pulling me to him. Still being new at this he began to feel discomfort after about 15 minutes of it so we switched back to our usual roles (no complaints from me!) and spent the rest of the afternoon talking and making love.

The afternoon of Todd’s first REAL foray into being on the receiving end of sex with a man Todd brought up the possibility of an overnight trip. He had done a job in the Fort Bragg area and needed to return to finish it up. Because he had to drive the huge boom truck he usually drove it up the day before so he felt that he could tell Stacey that he had to head up the night before. The thought of an entire night together was almost too much for either of us to think about. Nevertheless Todd began to make the plans and before we knew it we had a set plan in motion. I was going to tell Chad that I’d be spending the night with my best friend and Todd would tell Stacey what we’d already discussed. The plan was set.

The week before our planned Fort Bragg get away things in my house got very rough. My daughter and I have always butted heads but this situation had pushed me to my limit. She is a wonderful young woman but she is equally as stubborn. Through the struggle with my daughter that week Chad and I had a very difficult time. Our marriage had been strained for a long time. I had never really gotten over the way in which he cheated and it was this new situation that really brought that home to me. When Chad looked at me and told me that he loved me but he just didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore, I was heartbroken. I knew that we all needed some space so I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I decided to take our trailer and park it at my best friend’s house for awhile. Chad helped me get the trailer ready and I left with a broken heart – having no real idea of when I‘d be home again. I tried not to tell Todd because I knew he’d worry about me and I hated to be a burden to him. He already had more than he could deal with on his plate and I didn’t want him to see me as someone that “needed” him. Todd and I have never been very good at keeping anything from one another. Of course I told Todd what was going on and of course he was concerned. For some reason I just couldn’t keep anything from him – nor could he from me.

I left my house in the trailer the Sunday before the Thursday that we were planning to go to Fort Bragg. The following Tuesday I was working at “home” and Todd came to my trailer to spend a few hours with me. I tried so hard to be strong and not break down but Todd had a way of reaching into me and pulling things out. After we had made love, I was lying in Todd’s arms as we began to talk about how I was doing with everything going on in my home life. I was suddenly hit with a surge of emotion and I completely broke down. I had tried so hard to be strong but it was useless. I sobbed and sobbed as Todd held me tightly. I didn’t even realize how much I had been holding inside but it came pouring out of me. When I had pulled myself together I look up at Todd and apologized for having lost it. Todd smiled at me and said, “Jason I was prepared for that. I’m always breaking down and crying with you I’m glad that I am able to be here for you.” It felt good to hear him say that and I knew that he meant it. Still – I didn’t want him to see me as being “needy” so I made him promise that no matter what happened between Chad and I, he would not take it on has is fault or his responsibility. He promised.

Chad and I spent a lot of time on the phone that week and we did our best to work through as much as we could while apart but I began to realize during that separation that I was actually not sure if I wanted to be with him anymore. I was very clear that it had nothing to do with Todd but being with Todd made me appreciate what being wanted feels like. At one point I went out and looked for an apartment. The act of taking charge of my life was empowering for me! I was terrified at the thought of such a life changing decision but I was also relieved to know that I had options. Of course there was the issue of money and how I would pay for it. I had told Todd about the apartment I had found and mentioned that I wasn’t sure how’d I’d come up with the money. Immediately Todd said that he couldn’t do much but he’d help out with as much money as he could. Although I thought it was a very sweet offer, I immediately told him no. I told him that I would never take our relationship there. His business was struggling and his son was just about to go off to college. I told him that I would NEVER want to take anything away from Stacey and the kids. It was sweet that he had offered but my problems were not his problems and even if he brought me cash, I would not take it. My clarity on the issue was a little surprising to me. Ten years earlier I would have jumped at an offer like that but with Todd I was a different person. With Todd the limits of our relationship were clear and I would never blur them. When and if the day ever came that he told his wife or his wife found out, I knew I would have to walk away because his only responsibility would have to be his family and helping them heal. It scared me to death but I knew that was how it would have to be. Mixing money into the situation would only add a complexity that neither of us were prepared to deal with.

That afternoon in the trailer Todd and I talked about our upcoming trip to Fort Bragg. We were both excited but we were also nervous. Todd told me that he was worried that he’d realize that ‘this’ was what he wanted and be so scared of it that he’d run away from me. I told him that I was afraid of exactly the same thing – that he’d freak out and run. Still – we agreed that it was an important step and we agreed to stick with our plan.

Chad and I managed to work things out to the point that we agreed I would come home on the Friday I got back. It was a relief because even with our problems I do love Chad very much. On Thursday morning I woke up and began to get the trailer ready for my return the next day. When everything was packed and I was ready to leave Todd called to say that he was on his way and he was looking forward to our time away. SO WAS I!

Hawaii

Todd left for Hawaii on Wednesday as he had planned. The night before Todd left I had confessed my secret to my cousin, Stacy. Stacy and I have a very special relationship. Of all of the biological relatives I had reconnected with as an adult, Stacy, by far, was the most special. We recognized that had circumstances been different we very well could have been siblings. Had her parents known that my birth-mother was going to lose me there is no doubt that they would have adopted me. Coming to grips with this as an adult was not easy for me but Stacy is one of the most compassionate and loving people that I know and the idea that we could have grown up together was all that I needed to get my life on track. From the day she re-entered my life I have thought of her as a sister and being able to confide the torment in my heart with her is quite possibly one of the greatest of gifts.

The day before Todd left was a very difficult day for me. We had spent the previous day in our motel room making love and talking. My senses were on high alert because I was so deeply frightened that he would not return from Hawaii and still want to be with me. Deep down I knew this was simply not something that Todd would be capable of doing but, still, the fear had been planted and my anxiety ran high – VERY high. I’d been trying to reach Stacy for several days. I knew that of all the people I considered telling, she would understand the torment in my heart more than anyone. Stacy had been married very young to a man that everyone in the family had grown to love. Unfortunately Stacy began to realize early in the marriage that her first husband, as good of a man as he was, was not the person that she was meant to spend her life with. She met Andy during a night job she held at a casino while working on her masters in psychology and their connection was one in which she found the strength to walk away from her marriage. This was no easy decision for her. The agony in her heart was nearly unbearable and her parents were not supportive of her decision. Stacy has a steely strength about her that I have always admired. She listens to her heart in ways that most of us are much too afraid of. Even though there are times that what she hears frightens her beyond belief, she knows that, in the end, she trusts in her family and in herself enough to follow what she hears. This is one of the reasons that I have so much respect for her. Leaving her first husband and following her heart to be with the man she is currently married to was not easy. She weathered significant stress from the family but her heart was her guiding force. This is why I knew that of all the people in my life she would understand my torment.

When I told Stacy about Todd her response was exactly what I needed to hear. “Oh Shit!” “Jason – I’m so sorry!” She said. She’ll never know the impact of what she said had on me. Without having to go into very much description Stacy knew exactly what I was going through and her understanding brought me to a place of peace that I desperately needed. I was able to cry for the first time and allow my emotions to pour out. Stacy understood my pain and I knew that if she had been in front of me she would have held me in her arms and helped me without saying a word. Unfortunately she lives more than five hours away so I had to tell her on the phone. This was certainly not ideal but I did ask her if I could come spend a few days with her and she said that would be nice.

Stacy now has three children so her willingness to have me in her home to figure things out meant a great deal. Simply put – I needed to go “home” and be with the people that mean the most to me so that I could figure out what the hell I was doing. By the time I mustered up enough courage to open up to Stacy I was so confused that I could barely breathe. She understood this which is why I so longed to be with her.

The morning Todd left I left him a message as “Jason” expecting to hear nothing back. To my delight he left me a message during their layover in Los Angeles. He sounded tired but he sounded good and that made me happy. He said that he’d slept well (always a good sign) but getting up so early wasn’t easy and he’d try to call me when they arrived in Hawaii. Just the sound of his voice and the fact that he cared enough to leave me a message sent me to the heavens! Todd said that he’d try to call me when they arrived in Hawaii but wasn’t sure if he’d have a chance.

My usual work routine is to go to the gym at about 2:30 in the afternoon. I like to go late in the day because I have less time when I return until I go home. Because Chad and I commute together we have to leave very early. His office is across town from mine so he drops me off first and then heads across town to his office. Arriving early at work allows me to take a longer lunch break so that I can go to the gym. The Wednesday that Todd left, I went to the gym for my usual workout – which turned out to be exactly what I needed. By the time I was done I had worked myself to the point that I was on the verge of throwing up. I hadn’t realized just how stressed out I truly was until I completed that workout. I workout nearly every day that I am at the office but on this day I had pushed myself far beyond what my body was prepared for.

When I returned to my office that afternoon I began prepping for the following day of work. I usually have between 20 and 50 emails during the time that I am at lunch so I scanned through them all to be sure that there were none that needed an immediate response. My boss had a visitor and as I was chatting with her my cell phone rang. It was Todd. Normally I don’t answer my cell phone during the work day but it was Todd and I jumped at the chance to speak with him. “Hi!’ he said. “We’re here!” “I can’t believe we’re here but we are.” “How are you?” I didn’t want to tell Todd how I really was because I was actually quite stressed but the sound of the happiness in his voice made me happy. I told him that I was “okay” and that I already missed him. He returned the sentiment and told me that he felt really good. I was very happy to hear this because that always meant that he was coping well.

“I miss you Jason” he said.

My heart was instantly full. I was actually surprised at how happy his words made me. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy while he was gone but this was only the first day and I could already feel the ache beginning. We chatted for a bit but he suddenly said that he had to go because he could see his son coming down the escalator. He told me he loved me and was just about to say something else when I heard a shuffling sound and then the phone went dead.

The moment I heard him tell me that he loved me my eyes welled with tears. I was so happy that it was hard to control my emotions but I was at work so I had to get it together before I went back into my office. “How am I going to get through the next two weeks?” I thought to myself. I was already having a hard time and he had only left that morning!

As I was making small talk with my boss’ visitor my cell phone rang again. It was Todd. I jumped up and answered it. “Hi” “It’s me.” He said. “Sorry I had to go so fast but…” “I know, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” I said understandingly. “I just wanted you to know that I miss you and I’m going to be okay.” “I really love you Jason.” “I really do.” At this point tears were solidly streaming down my face and it was taking every bit of strength I had not to let my voice crack. I was biting my lip and clenching my eyes tightly as I listened to the voice of the man in the red truck who had stolen me heart. My tears were tears of both joy and misery. I felt as if I was in the middle of a tug of war between my conscience and my heart with no idea what side would win.

I told Todd not to worry about me. I told him the truth when I told him that this was a “little” harder than I had expected but I would be okay. “I have to go” he said. “I love you.” “I know you do, and I love you Todd.” I said. “Have a great time and call when you can.” Were my closing words to him before I hung up. Never before had I been so happy to hear from someone. How this man in the red truck had wreaked such havoc on my heart was beyond comprehension. But wreak havoc he did!

When Chad came to pick me up from work that night I was giddy with happiness. The entire drive home all I could do was think about how happy I was that Todd had called me and that he was doing well.

The next couple of days I had good moments and bad ones. I’ve never been good at the unknowns of love and I was desperately afraid that Todd would decide not to come home to me. Todd called every day and each successive day he sounded clearer and stronger. He had his moments, as we expected he would, but he was clear on the one thing I had hoped for: he knew he couldn’t give me up and was coming home to me.

As the Saturday of Todd’s wedding celebration grew closer I could feel my anxiety mounting. Todd and I had spoken often of how he would get through the ceremony without feeling paralyzing guilt. He knew that he would never be able to live the rest of his life without being with a man so he understood that this was something that he was going to need to accept as being part of his life moving forward. Being able to have one man that he loved and trusted, was something that he felt would allow him to get what he needed but still be a good husband and father. I was more than happy to be that man. Still – there was that lingering fear that continued to grow as his wedding day grew closer.


Erica has been my best friend since we met at the age of 15. We have weathered many storms together and no matter what we have always been there for one another. We left the “label” of “best friends” behind years ago because at this point in our relationship we have grown passed it. We are family – she is my sister and I love her dearly. I had wanted desperately to talk to her about Todd but Erica can be a little harsh at times. Not to mention she’s very much a part of my family so by sharing what had been going on with Todd, I ran the risk of placing her in the middle of something that she may not be comfortable with. I had been trying to get her to connect with me and make some time for several weeks but nothing seemed to happen. Erica has never been the best at returning phone calls and becoming a stay-at-home-mother seemed to only make this worse. This was one of the few times in recent years that I truly needed some time with Erica and I had tried to be patient with her hectic schedule but as the date of Todd’s wedding grew closer, my patience began to run out. I finally snapped the day after Todd left and Erica and I got into a heated argument – on the phone. I RARELY get so angry with her that I hang up on her but I could feel myself about to completely lose it so I hung up and threw the phone across the room.

Erica and I exchanged a few texts and emails the evening I had hung up on her and I assumed that would be the end of it. Erica can be even more stubborn than I and it was rare that she conceded when we had a disagreement. As angry as I was, I knew that she would eventually figure out that this had to be something important and would reach out to me. That is one of the best things about our relationship – we just “know” when it really matters.

The Friday before Todd’s wedding Erica called me at work. She was coming to the city with her mom and wanted to know if we could talk: an offering that I was more than ready to take her up on. When she arrived we sat in my office and I closed the door. As I sat talking to her I was reminded of the day that I had told her that I was gay. I had told Erica the night before but it was late and we didn’t talk too much about it. She told me she still loved me and that it was no big deal but I wasn’t convinced and worried that she’d abandon our friendship. The next day I took her out on a small boat at the lake in our hometown. I must have asked her fifty or more times that afternoon if she still loved me because I was so terrified that she’d freak out. This is how the mind of a person coming to terms with their sexuality can make them feel that death would be easier than coming out. By the time we are at a point that we just can’t keep it in anymore, we have usually spent years and years convincing ourselves that all who love us will be so disgusted with our perversion that they will abandon us on the spot. Poor Erica had to spend the afternoon convincing me that she would not abandon our friendship. As I sat in my office more than 20 years later, I was filled with that same sense of hopeless fear.

As wonderful as Erica has been over the 23+ years of our friendship, she can be quite insensitive and equally as judgmental at times. I truly worried that this would be one of those times but I also knew that this was something that I had to tell her. To my delight Erica showed compassion and love as I told her about what had been going on with Todd. Instinctively she knew that this was not something that I could just walk away from. We talked for about an hour that afternoon and Erica promised she would keep my confidence and I knew that she would.

Todd called that Friday evening from a bathroom at the hotel. He couldn’t talk for very long but told me that he missed me and was still doing okay. We talked about the wedding that would be taking place the following day and he seemed to be looking forward to it. I told him that I didn’t expect to hear from him for that entire day because of all days, on that day, he needed no distractions. His job was to be there for his wife and family and be in the moment. I did ask that he call the following day if he could because I wanted to hear how it went. As Todd was saying goodbye he told me, again, how much he loved me and thanked me for helping him to find a way to deal with all that had been going on. It was not easy but I spoke clearly and with conviction as I spoke to him because I did not want him to be at all concerned about me. I wanted to leave him with the impression that I was fine. What I didn’t tell him was that, inside, I was an emotional wreck of worry and fear that his wedding would fill him with so much guilt that he wouldn’t be able to come back to me.

The Saturday of the wedding I had a committee meeting. As the President of my 20 year high school reunion committee, I could not skip it. I had brought Erica on to the committee early on even though we graduated from different high schools. Erica is amazing at planning events and had done both of my weddings to Chad. Now that we had worked through the argument we’d had earlier in the week we decided to drive to the meeting together. Erica arrived to pick me up and as we drove I read this story to her. We talked about Todd and she, as usual, interrupted with questions that, had she had some patience, would have been answered as I read. Her questions didn’t bother me because I knew she’d have them before she asked and it kept the conversation fun.

Hawaii is three hours behind California time which meant that I would be in my meeting at the exact moment that Todd was renewing his wedding vows with his wife. The meeting went smoothly and I read Erica the rest of what I had written on the drive home. We talked about what I thought I would do and if I wanted to save my marriage to Chad. All questions that I was not prepared to even think about. My mind was completely consumed with Todd’s wedding and how he had done. My anxiety was at a critical level by this time and I could feel myself shutting down. On the drive home I had sent a text thanking the host of the meeting for allowing us to use his home – his name just happened to be Todd. The second I hit the send button on my cell phone I realized I had sent the text to the wrong Todd! All I wanted to give Todd on his wedding day was a day without ME in his head and I had just screwed that up! I didn’t say a work to Erica about it until later in the day.

After Erica dropped me off at home I had to grab a few things and head across town to a friend’s house for a party. The party was nice but, my head was not there. I was lost in my anxiety and worry over Todd. I managed to get through a couple of hours at the party before Chad and I decided to leave. I met Chad there and we were both happy to go. When we got home I crawled into bed and shut down for the rest of the afternoon. Todd sent me a text while I was napping. He said the ceremony was really nice and he was doing well and hoped that I was too. I went to bed that night feeling badly that I had screwed up and sent Todd a text on his wedding day. I had so wanted to give him this day without feeling that he needed to contact me.

On Sunday I got up and felt pretty good. I had convinced myself that I would do whatever it took to make that day a good day! I drank my coffee and fiddled around on the computer for a little while before beginning my weekly chore of mowing the lawns.

I mowed the lawns relatively quickly while Chad was at the gym. When I had finished mowing I decided that another day in the pool would be exactly what I needed. Although I invited Chad to join me, he declined because, again, there were things he wanted to get done around the house. After making a large batch of margaritas I blew up my air mattress and spent the next three hours drifting around the pool and thinking of Todd while listening to my iPod. My mind was once again consumed with all things Todd. My heart knew that he’d come back to me but the anxiety I was feeling made getting my mind and thoughts under control very difficult. The margaritas definitely helped calm my nerves but I was desperately concerned about Todd. Eventually I managed to find a place of calm but it took several margaritas!

I climbed out of the pool around 4:30 or 5:00 that afternoon. Laying in the sun always makes me feel tired so I’d decided to take a nap. I went out the our camper - which had now become a little refuge for me – to try to nap. I soon realized that my mind was filled with too many thoughts to sleep so I decided to write. As I was writing I was hit with a surge of emotion and I completely broke down. I picked up my cell phone and called my cousin Stacy. She answered on the first ring – thankfully. I knew that with her I could let it out and that is exactly what I did. As I was sobbing to Stacy on the phone she told me that she was very nervous and concerned for me. Stacy knows me well and she knew that I was tormented over the situation with Todd.

Stacy and I spoke for about 10 minutes and I managed to pull myself together. Of all the people in my life, Stacy has always had a way of helping me to find my sense of reasoning. This situation was no exception. The kids were demanding her attention so she had to get off the phone. After I hung up with Stacy I continued to write –which by now had become a very good way for me to sort out my own feelings.

I’d been writing for about half an hour when my cell phone rang. My heart jumped when I saw that it was Todd. After a few deep, calming breaths I answered. I didn’t want Todd to know how much of a hard time I’d been having. I felt strongly that my “issues” should not be his problem.

“Hello” I said as calmly as possible.

“Hi Jason, it’s me.” Todd replied. “How are you?”

I could feel my hands begin to shake. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was a mess but I knew that I had to at least try to be strong. Todd continued the conversation by telling me about the wedding and how nice it had been. He wanted me to know that he was doing very well and that he kept remembering the discussions we’d had before he left. He’d realized that he didn’t want to go back to the way things were and that he truly missed me and needed me. Todd was calm and clear and I had no doubt that he meant everything that he was saying. He was absolutely certain that he was coming home to me. By now tears were streaming down my face and I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I began to sob. Todd’s response was sweet, patient and sincere. I told him that I had been incredibly worried about him and how the wedding had been. I went on to tell him that I was terrified that he would change his mind and not come home to me.

“Jason, I keep seeing all these guys everywhere and I could care less.” Todd said. “I know I have you to come home to and that makes me feel so good.. you have no idea!”

His words put me completely at ease. I believed him. It had been weeks since Todd spoke with such clarity about our relationship. I told him how proud I was of him and he went on to tell me that he couldn’t wait to get home to see me. The conversation only lasted about 10 minutes but in those ten minutes Todd washed away any doubts I had about him coming home to me. When I said my goodbyes to him I told him how much I loved him and he returned the sentiment. After our conversation I was on a cloud and felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Now I felt as if I could move forward for the next week of his vacation with relative calm.

Monday at work I was in a great mood. My conversation with Todd the prior evening had made me feel confident and strong. I worked out hard at the gym that afternoon and felt good. Todd called me while I was at lunch and I missed his call. He said that he’d hoped he could talk to me but that it was okay because he figured I was at the gym. I was sad to have missed his call but I need my gym time to keep me sane. I wasn’t able to speak to Todd on this day but he left me a very sweet message that evening saying that he hoped I was doing better after our talk and he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. That’s all I needed from him and I was in a great mood.

Tuesday was Chad’ birthday and he’d decided to take the day off. This meant that I had to drive in to work alone. I was in a pretty good mood on that day. Todd’s message the night before had made me feel really good. I left him a message when I got to work (as “Jason”) that was coded and basically said that I was doing very well because I had a great conversation with “someone” that I loved and cared about a lot on Sunday and then got a message on Monday night. I also wanted him to know that I would be driving home alone and if he could swing it he should call.

On my way home Todd called. We had another great conversation. He was, again, clear and certain that he was coming home to me. He told me that he couldn’t let me go and more importantly he told me that he didn’t want to let me go. His tone was sweet and loving and it made me feel wonderful. I got a little teary eyed as I listened to him talk about how he’d had some rough patches but he was dealing with them a lot better. He told me that before he left for Hawaii he just wasn’t sure go “do this” but now he’s sure that he can. I was, again, relieved and happy. I told him that I didn’t want him to be worried about how I was doing. I just wanted him to enjoy his trip and call when/if he could. Todd told me that it was a little hard sometimes because he wants to talk to me all of the time but he just can’t. I reiterated that it was important that he focus on his family. Now that I was sure that he’d be coming home to me I would be just fine so he needn’t worry about how I was doing.

As Todd and I were talking about his trip he told me that he wasn’t sure what was going on for the few days between Hawaii and their planned trip to Clear Lake. Originally his wife had planned to go up with the kids on Wednesday and Todd would follow on Thursday. Todd and I had hoped to be able to spend time, possibly the night, together on Wednesday night. Apparently his son was “love sick” and didn’t want to go away so soon after returning from Hawaii. Todd went on to tell me that his son’s girlfriend was fairly “emotionally needy” so he wasn’t sure what would happen for their planned trip to the lake. Admittedly I was a little disappointed that our evening together looked like it wasn’t going to happen but I also knew that Todd’s family had to come first and that if his son needed him then that had to be his priority. I told Todd that I had planned for it either way and that he should do whatever he needed to do. As Todd was telling me about his son’s girlfriend being “emotionally needy” something clicked in my head. Todd went on to tell me that his son was exactly like him: very emotional and caring. In that moment I made a very conscience decision not to be “needy” as Todd had put it. I realized that Todd had spent much of his time away balancing me with his family and that is exactly what I didn’t want him to do. I felt fine and I told him so. I truly wanted the rest of his trip to be family focused. As we hung up I told him that I loved him and he told me that he loved me.

Wednesday I called Todd and left him a message in the morning. I also sent a “signal” message twice that day that I had time to talk if he was around. I heard nothing back from him all day and I was feeling okay because I also had a sense that he might just need a break. That evening around 8 my cell phone pinged informing me that I had a message. It was Todd. He left me a message that they’d spent the day across the island at a popular beach so he didn’t have a chance to call. He said he’d gotten my message and signals but didn’t think we’d be able to talk that day. He wanted me to know that he was doing well, was thinking about me and that he couldn’t wait to see me. His message made me very happy but I sensed something in his voice. It was very faint but I still sensed it. I sensed that Todd needed a break. I made a conscience decision that I would not call back and leave him a message and that I would not call at all the following day. Of course I hoped Todd would call me but I had a sense that he wouldn’t. He had said that he would “try” in his last message to me but I suspected that he’d either be too busy or simply too focused on his family time. Although this is exactly what I wanted for him, there was also the selfish part of me that wanted to hear from him. Still – I made a commitment to myself that I would not call.

Thursday was a little rough. I desperately wanted to hear from Todd and I had to fight very hard not to call him or leave him a message. I had many conversations with myself about why I wanted or felt that I needed to hear from him. He’d done exactly as I had hoped he would and I was confident that he was coming home to me so I found myself wondering where all of the anxiety was coming from. I began to realize that my anxiety was nothing more than me being selfish and wanting the instant gratification of being able to have contact with him. I began to realize that if I was actually going to be able to succeed in this relationship with Todd I was going to have to get used to stepping back and letting him have his space. Trying to control everything with Todd would only serve one purpose – it would push him away.

That evening was not an easy one for me. It wasn’t the worst but it wasn’t great. My anxiety was very high but there was no logical reason for it. Todd had given me everything that I wanted and I knew that but the selfish side of me wanted to hear from him. It hoped that he would call me but I also suspected that he wouldn’t. More than once I picked up my phone and put it down. As I went through these hills and valleys of strength and weakness I realized that allowing Todd some space from me was a way that I could prove to him (and to myself) that I loved him enough to put his needs first. After all he had been putting my needs first since he left so it was only fair that I should now do the same for him – no matter how difficult it was for me. To help ease my anxiety I had a couple of margaritas and went to bed early.

I woke up on Friday and the first thought I had was of Todd. I wondered if I should call or leave a message. I decided against it; knowing that it would not be an easy thing to do. I was proud of myself for having not called or messaged him the day before and told myself that it was important that he call me not because he was responding to a message or a signal from me but because he wanted to call. How is he going to have a chance to miss me if I am right there all the time? Even though I know that he does miss me – if I leave him a message or send him a signal then I won’t know if he’s calling because he wants to or because he feels obligated to. Nothing would be worse than if he were calling me because he felt like he had to. I made the decision to wait it out – no matter how hard it would be. And hard it was!

The bigger question for me is why it’s so hard. Why must I always hear from someone or have a constant line of communication? The absolute worst thing that could happen would be that Todd had changed his mind and would break it off. I know in my heart that this won’t happen but the fear is still there. So I keep asking myself – what if that does happen - then what? Although it is almost too painful to think of, there is always a slim chance and I have to get it together. I have learned that trying to prepare for things like this are a part of life. Life is full of disappointments and I had to allow myself to go the place in my mind that I fear the most – no matter how scary or painful. I realized that even if Todd were to decide that he didn’t want to continue to see me, I would be okay. I also recognized that by trying to control the outcome of something I had no control over – I might actually be pushing Todd away. I know that I have to give him this space but it is not easy and it is literally a minute by minute struggle for me. But this is my struggle not Todd’s and I will not force it on him. He has been nothing but supportive and loving and there is no reason why I can’t do the same for him. I have set a time limit though because, although I truly want Todd to have his space, I also can’t move forward in this relationship always placing my needs second to his. So – I will do my very best to wait it out on Friday but if I don’t hear from him I will call and leave a message at some point on Saturday. It will be bitterly disappointing if I don’t hear from him and have to call on Saturday but that is not his problem or his fault. He is married and has a family –as do I –and unless I expect that he’s going to leave his wife and children (which I do not) then I must get used to this. I have to cherish the times we can speak and we can be together and then learn to let him go until our next conversation or our next meeting. This will not be easy for me. I have never been good at the unknown of relationships but I have also never felt this way about a man before so I am discovering a new side to myself. I am stronger than I thought. If I am to succeed with Todd – no matter how that success may evolve – I must be able to be selfless when it’s important but I must also be sure that some of my needs are met. I will not be the “needy” one that takes crumbs as he is able to give them. I want to bring strength to Todd. I do not want to drain him. To do this – I’ll have to fight against every natural instinct I have but when I think of how much I love Todd it feels like it will be much less of a struggle.

Intensity beyond belief!

When I got home from my “bonus” rendezvous with Todd I had to finish up repairing the sprinkler I had been working on earlier in the day. I went about my task quickly and was actually quite pleased with my work when I was done. Since Chad had “given up his day” to go see his grandmother I figured I could do some of the things that he normally does. Chad does not like it when I do the laundry but I made the decision to do it anyway because I knew that was one of the things he had wanted to get done. As I was buzzing around that evening I noticed that my cell phone was blinking. I was pleasantly surprised to see a text message from Todd asking me to call him if I could. He was alone and wanted to talk to me. I wasn’t sure how to take that so I was a little nervous to call him. Plus – he had sent the message 45 minutes earlier so I was unsure if he could still talk. I took a risk and called. Todd picked up immediately. I knew right away that he was in a good place emotionally. “Heyyy!” He said; sounding as if he was smiling from ear to ear. I knew that he was. One of Todd’s jobs for his community 4th of July celebration is to prepare and clean the oysters that were to be barbequed and sold at the event. His helped had backed out so he had to manage the task alone – which he was happy to do now that he got to talk to me. Todd and I talked on the phone for more than an hour that evening. We talked about how amazingly lucky we both felt to have found one another and he thanked me, again and again, for not letting him go. Of course his usual, “I just can’t believe this” statement entered our conversation many times. By now, I had figured out that the translation of that statement was that he couldn’t believe how much he loved me. Naturally, the statement made me feel like I was on a cloud. As we were saying our goodbyes that evening Todd said, “Gosh I love you Jason. I really do.” To which I replied, “I know. I love you too. God help me but I do!”

The following day was the 4th. Chad and I didn’t have any plans; which is rare for us on the 4th. I did some chores in the yard and Chad kept busy buzzing around tending to his “list” of to-dos. When I checked my cell phone Todd had left me a message early in the morning. He was calling to tell me that he’d slept well and felt good. He thanked me for the time we’d spent together and told me that he loved me. He wasn’t sure if he’d have time to call me or not that evening or the next day but said he would definitely call me on Monday.

I was just about to start mowing the lawn when I made a snap decision to put it off until the following day. All I wanted to do was float in the pool and listen to music. That is exactly how I spent the rest of that day. I plugged my iPod so I could listen to some of the music that Todd had given me. There were two songs in particular that he said made him think of me. Whenever they came on it made me smile. With my music blaring, I floated around the pool day dreaming of how wonderful I thought Todd was and hoping that he was still doing as well as he had been when he’d left his early morning message for me. Chad decided not to join me but instead went to the gym as I was getting out of the pool. I was in a very good mood that afternoon and had enjoyed my time in the pool.

Shortly after Chad got home from the gym he left again to head to the grocery store. Just as I was starting to feel the pains of missing Todd my cell phone rang. It was Todd. He sounded happy and VERY relaxed. Actually he sounded a little drunk – which was okay because I had had several drinks while I was floating in the pool. He said he wanted to hear my voice and wanted me to know that he was still doing very well. He’d had a great day with family and friends and drank a little more than he had wanted. “I feel like I’m on a cloud Jason!” He said. “Being with you and thinking about you makes me feel so good!?” I was pretty sure that his euphoria was partially alcohol induced but that was fine. Hearing the joy in his voice made me happy. We continued our conversation for about 20 more minutes as he watered his vegetable garden. He told me that he loved me just before we ended our call and I returned the sentiment.

The next day I got out of bed to find another message from Todd on my cell phone. He sounded a little tired but was calling to let me know that he was still felling good emotionally, he missed me, and he was still on a cloud. He told me he loved me and that he’d talk to me the next day. Todd’s message made me happy and as I sat and drank my Sunday morning coffee I was thinking about him. I was filled with happiness at the joy he had brought into my life. When I was done with my coffee I decided to mow the lawn. Chad was headed to the gym again as I started mowing and by the time he’d returned I was done and asked him if wanted to float around the pool with me; this is one of our favorite things to do in the summer. We love to float and drink margaritas while listening to music and holding on to one another’s air mattress. I plugged in my iPod again and Chad and I spent the afternoon in the pool. It was different this time. I felt it and I sensed that Chad did too. “Are you happy?” I asked him. Chad has a way of making me feel like a complete idiot with one glance and his response to my question was one of those times. “Yes.” He said while looking at me like I was nuts. I wanted to go further and tell him that I feel like we are living separate lives. I wanted to talk to him about what felt like the death of anything resembling a sexual relationship. I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that I was scared. Instead I lifted my hand from holding on to his air mattress and allowed myself to drift away.

Chad has never understood that how he treats me and how he speaks to me has a direct impact on my desire to be make love to him. He can be very harsh and extremely insensitive. If something does not make sense to him then he does a very good job of making it clear (without actually saying the words) that he thinks it’s stupid. When we were first married I tried over and over to get him to do the little things that mattered to me. Things like taking a half of a second to give me a kiss and ask me how my day was when he gets home from work - or leaning over and giving me a kiss good night if he comes to bed after me - were the kinds of things that made a huge difference for me. At first he did try with some sincerely. Sadly, as the years have passed, everything about the way that he does these little things communicate that they are nothing more than a chore for him. I have come to realize that there is no emotion behind it for him. He does them because he feels that he has to and that makes it all the more painful for me. I do love Chad. He is a good man. Still - I was quickly realizing that his obsession with what I see as the ‘little’ or less important things in life are beginning to take a toll on our relationship. Nothing would make me happier than to be able to pull him back to me again but I am not sure that I have the energy or, frankly, the desire to continue down this road. At his core, Chad is a control freak that simply must have control of most of what is going on in his life. He does try to let go of it sometimes but eventually he comes full circle to his place of comfort: control. I miss having a life of passion and intensity. I miss having that life with Chad. When we first met there was so much passion between us. We couldn’t get enough of one another and it was wonderful! Magical! As it often does, life happens and a once strong and passionate connection a couple may have shared can easily fall to the wayside. This is what has happened in my marriage to Chad.

Even with the problems, I have never regretted marrying Chad. With him dreams that I never dared to dream have come true. There was a time when I thought that these dreams had come true because of him. Now – I am not so sure. It is undeniable that he has enhanced and sped along the unfolding of my dreams but I have grown more confident as a man. Meeting Todd has made me see that dreams can change true in way that one may never expect. As my relationship with Todd has grown stronger I have often asked myself if, given the opportunity, I would leave Chad for him. Thus far, the answer has been a resounding, “no.” Perhaps this is the reason that I have allowed myself to continue loving Todd. Somewhere in all of this I am desperately longing to bring my marriage to Chad back to that same magical place. In Todd I see what could be – what should be – and hopefully what will be again.

Chad and I finished our afternoon of floating in the pool and Chad decided to run an errand. To my delight Todd called me shortly after Chad left. He sounded so happy and relaxed when he spoke of how good he was feeling. He drank a bit more that day than he had planned and it was noticeable when he spoke. By now Todd had made the time he waters his vegetable garden his “Jason time.” He was calling because he wanted to hear my voice and tell me how much he loved me. Whenever he tells me that he loves me I am infectiously and instantly happy. We couldn’t talk for very long because Chad came home and I had to say goodbye to Todd. Before I hung up, I told Todd that I loved him and promised to call me the next day when I was at work.

Monday morning came much too soon! When I woke up I was exhausted. It was one of those days that the mere thought of getting out of bed seemed impossible. So stay in bed I did. I called in sick. Chad gave me a kiss as he left for worked and I moaned back at him. I slept in for a couple more hours. After I’d had my coffee I called Todd and as we were talking I asked what his afternoon looked like. He was thrilled to discover that I had stayed home from work and said that he was sure that he could “find some time” but he wouldn’t know what time until later in the day. An hour later he called back and said he could meet me at 2:30 at the motel. This was to be our last meeting before he left to Hawaii.

When Todd and I had decided to spend some time together in a motel he wanted me to know that he wasn’t sure that he’d be able to perform. The previous weekend of drinking had taken its toll on him. I told him that I could live with that because I really just wanted to spend a little more time with him before he left.

Todd met me at my house promptly at 2:30 and I could tell instantly that he was exhausted. We took separate cars to the motel and I booked the room in my name. I told Todd to take a shower to relax and set up my laptop so we could listen to our music. After I poured him a margarita I lay on the bed and wait for him to finish in the shower. Todd came out wearing nothing and looking refreshed. Apparently his libido was not nearly as tired as the rest of him because he came out of the shower “standing at attention.” What a sight he is naked and aroused! As he slid into bed next to me I handed him is margarita and snuggled my body closer to him. Soon the margaritas were on the nightstand and Todd was making love to me. I love to look at Todd as he reaches climax. He looks as if he is releasing a lifetime of pain and I can see it turning to joy right in front of my eyes. It’s truly an amazing sight and one that I will never forget as long as I live.

After we finished making love we lay in one another’s arms, drank margaritas, and talked. Todd was indeed very tired. We talked about how much he loved me and how happy he was that we’d found some more time to be together before he left. I promised him, again, that I would be there for him while he was gone. Todd again expressed his fear at what might happen should his family ever find out about us. He had tears in his eyes as he told me how certain he was that his children would hate him if they ever found out. I could see him heading down the path of doubt and fear but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I looked longingly into my eyes as he told me again that each time we are together he falls harder and more deeply in love with me. What he said next frightened me beyond belief. “I just… I just don’t know how I’d survive if anyone ever found out.” “I wouldn’t want to live anymore.” “I’ll probably just go someplace and….” I knew exactly what his next words were going to be so I put my hand over his mouth and started to cry softly. “God Todd!” “Don’t you dare!” “Don’t you dare do anything like that!” My voice was trembling as I continued. “Your children need their father!” “Your wife! Your wife needs you!? “We always think it’s going to be much worse than it is.” “You can’t leave me!” “You can’t!” Todd was trembling now with me as he said, “I’m so scared Jason!” “I know,” I said. “I’m here for you Baby.” “I promise!” “But you have to think about a plan B” “I’m sure you’ll never need it but you have to have some idea of how to deal with it or you’ll be completely overwhelmed.” “Todd, you will never be alone!” “I promise!” He knew that I meant it and I could see that he took comfort in my words but he was still visibly shaking. As we continued to talk I made it clear that I would leave Chad if I had to. Telling him this wasn’t the best of ideas. This was one of the only times I have misspoken to Todd. I was simply trying to get him to see that taking his own life should never be an option and he’d never be alone. Leaving Chad for Todd wasn’t something I would ever do. The same was true for the idea of Todd leaving Stacey for me. Neither of us wanted to other to leave our spouses for the other. If either of our marriages were to end we did not the reason to be because of one of us. I knew how deeply Todd loved his wife and I wanted him to have that in his life for as long as he wanted.

As hard as we tried to fight it, we were far too emotional to keep tears away. Todd reached down and began to kiss me and soon we were making love. This would be the final time we made love before he left for Hawaii. To say that this was the most mind blowing love making session of my life would be an understatement. It felt like Todd and I had merged into one person. As we reached climax we reached it almost simultaneously but my body began to do, and feel, things that it had never experienced before. Every muscle in my body began to contract, my arms and legs were shaking and my eyes rolled back in my head. I caught a glimpse of Todd’s face as this surge of pleasure morphed my entire body into a strange entity. As my climax seemed to continue on for en eternity I looked up at Todd again to see him watching me with an expression of pleasure. “That’s hot!” he said. “Oh my gosh - you look so hot right now!” “I love pleasing you like that!” I can’t imagine that a grown man, pushing 40, looking as if he was having a seizure could look hot but Todd was definitely enjoying what he was looking at. SO WAS I! I felt the effects of this climax for well over an hour. Whenever Todd touched me it felt as if my skin was on fire and my stomach tightened as I lurched forward. When I finally came back to earth I looked at Todd and said, “Oh my God!” “Never!” “Never before I have felt anything close to that!” Todd looked very happy as he said, “I love pleasing you Jason.” “You looked so hot!” “I can’t wait to do that again!” “You’d better be ready for me when I get back from Hawaii!”